Querencia

Time and distance have always saturated our relationship. Time zones, miles, and wifi have been at the forefront of all that we are and possibly what could have been. Of course, a girl can dream, a girl can imagine, a girl can question the what-ifs. What began as "ugh, Bori, be cool, don't fuck this up" turned out to be quite a wonderful friendship. I feel grateful to have such an open mind that has been shaped through numerous  experiences, times, and the different people I have encountered. I look forward to encountering many more, experiencing much more, though I do not anticipate more heartbreak. But one really does not have control over that. One, honestly, doesn't have control over much. I honestly can't believe that it's been almost two years since I had to let go of someone that I did not want to let go. It all seems like a blur as of now and I am happy to say that I have come to the point where I am ready for my next best thing. I have learned so ...

To go through a deep sense of distaste for oneself can be a very dangerous thing. To sit here, lay here, breathe here forcing myself to see the light, see some positivity, may be doing more harm than good. It's been a hell of a fall. September began with a car accident, to traveling to Korea to say my farewells to my ill grandparents, to coming back and being swamped with work, to losing control of my schedule and time to myself, to gaining some weight, to self-loathing, to now. It has been a hard month. I can't even explain how difficult it has been because I have yet to accept such feelings, but I feel it in the aching of my bones, the extra skin on my cheeks, and the heaviness that lays on my chest. I don't feel because I don't have time to and for me, sitting and writing is my way to understand the ways of my mind and of my heart. Today my darling friend who told me today that, with time, all will be well. I believe her, I do. She urged me to do what I know be...

I have a "thing" I must do: smoking a cigarette with Beautiful cities.  I'm no smoker anymore but sharing a cigarette with Seoul was beautiful. 

Well there goes that. 

I know tomorrow will be the final time we will be together in the flesh. I like to think that I will see you soon, whenever soon may be.  Thank you for the opportunity to be your first granddaughter. I know you treasure my sister and I in a family of all males.  I really don't know what to say to you tomorrow when I see you both. Do I tell you thank you? Do I tell you I love you? Do I tell you that you both will forever be in my chest of beautiful things? Do I tell you the things I regret? Do I tell you my fears? Do I tell you that I've loved? Do I tell you that I've also had my heart broken to pieces?  Or do I tell you nothing. Do I tell you that everything has been what life has to offer and I have dealt with the realities of life.  Will I grab your fragile hands into mine and hold their cold veins in my warmth?  Grandpa and Grandma.... I'm sorry I didn't see you as often as I'd like. I am very thankful that you have gotten to see me as a grown woman who has g...

I'm more than halfway into my journey here in Korea. I must say this has been one of the best experiences of my life. I am extremely lucky and grateful to have my family on my mother's side who really loves and cares for me. I have spent so much time with them this past week that we've really gotten to know each other and have great conversations (also my Korean has become KICKASS). Things I have done: got my hair done got my nails done walk like 15,000+ steps a day on the reg drink soju like water drink beer with everything SAMGYUPSAL for life Korean food (do I need to say more?) saw my grandparents saw my aunts saw my Uncle who i haven't seen in over a decade gotten to have a deeper relationship with my cousins sweat everyday like I am swimming in a swimming pool running and yoga chicken and beer saw the old Korean palaces went to Coex mastered the Korean subway Korean has gotten better  I have had to deal with some pretty intense things while I ...

I'll be seeing you and grandpa for the last time on Monday. I had a brief conversation with my aunts today and they told me that this would be the last time.  I've know this the entire trip.  It's almost that moment, in a few days where I will only get this one chance to say all I need to say. I'm going to draft some things but my heart is breaking already. My sadness is overwhelming. How can I say goodbye when I'm not ready to? But isn't that the case many times?  What do I even say? Is there really much more to say?

The scent of urine, hospital sheets, and age infiltrated my nostrils as I timidly took my first steps into the hospital where my grandfather had been staying for the past few months since his previous accidents. This was the moment that I had been waiting for. I passed my first milestone by seeing my grandmother for the first time in six years. I went up to surprise her and she looked at me and told me how I had grown up to be such a young lady as opposed to the young college student I was when I was there last. She took my hands, hers were softer than mine. I could see the veins running through the tops of her hands telling a story as she placed her hand on my cheek and told me she had something to give me. She takes out a gold ring with a cat-eye jewel and tells me to remember her by this ring and another bracelet she had saved for me.   Knowing emotional me, I choked back my tears.. "get your shit together, Bori. Don't lose it all just yet". We had a wonderful lunch ...

They have got to be the most honest conversations I've ever heard in my life. Yes it's a bit creepy that I am sitting on a toilet eavesdropping on everyone but high schools girls chatting about their makeup and picture that they took with a boy to a mother and daughter having conversation how the daughter is having stomach problems quite loudly in front of everyone in which the daughter told her mother to stop since she could know someone in the bathroom ....  Koreans are also NOT poop shy. 

Yeah the running never stop ;)  Ran this morning in Dosan Park. What I'm learning is that every park and monument is historic. The family of Dosan is actually buried at this park and you can pay respects to the bodies. I just walked up and realized it was the burial mound and was like "oops definitely not doing my push-ups here since that's rude AF".  But a small park. Ran in many circles but I'll take it. Also Korean parks have these exercise stations that always crack me up.  Look at these ladies and gents at work. 

I am settling in after quite a fulfilled day in Seoul. I thankfully had no trouble at the airport and passed out for 9 of the 12 hours of the flight (as this was my whole goal so I would not be jetlagged upon my arrival). I do feel the weariness of the today so I am happy it's 11pm and I get to call it an early night. Much was done today. I am actually quite fond of myself for getting on the right bus from the airport to take me to Apkujeong then walk with my two large pieces of baggage to the apartment following the directions of a youtube video that I had memorized earlier that day. That is where I met my aunt and my cousin :) Much feelings were had upon my arrival into South Korea. I can't really say that I feel excited to be here. I feel more so that I need to be here and I want to slowly learn what that truly is in the short time that I have here. What compelled me so much to get on a 12 hour plane ride after a car accident to travel to Korea by myself? There has ...

If I were on schedule, I would still be on a flight somewhere across the Pacific Ocean to Incheon International Airport. Alas, I am still in my own bed here in the bay area, aches across my back, and aches throughout my heart. I had to push back my plans a day because I got into a car accident that completely destroyed my car. It was my first accident and being sandwiched between two pick up trucks was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I have no words for all those who reached out, helped me, cried with me last night as I was in utter shock at the experience. For my roommates who consoled my, my best friend from home that called me crying in worry, my sister who needed to know if I was okay. I find that it is in the most treacherous of times that I find true love; yesterday I did. I felt a love that I had not experienced in such a long time and that love found me yesterday. I decided to take that flight to Korea tomorrow. I will be in Korea tomorrow. I will fi...

It has been over six years since I stepped foot on your soil. It has been six years since I swore to myself that I would never return to the place that had become my hell for the two and a half months I was forced to be in a place I did not want to be. I had just turned 19 years old, just finished my freshman year of college, working my first internship in a field that I had zero to no interest in. But there I was, standing on what felt like an earthquake, constantly finding my footing, finding any chance for escape, exhausted to the bare bones of my existence. I can’t explain the feeling of being perpetually destroyed by people who are your blood. Weren’t they supposed to love you? Were they not ecstatic to see me, spend over two months with their grandchild who had traveled all the way from the United States, missed me, and wanted to get to know me? The answer to all these questions, I learned, was a very simple, “no”. They had no desire to learn the person I had become. They were...

Ten fingers, skin the color of the fading sun, with the fading sun came the cracks of my existence, came the opening of my body Ten words, our mouths danced in tandem, the sun had faded to completed darkness, my memory decided to go pitch black Ten minutes, drunken lies screamed honesty, I felt every part of you inside me, manipulating me, telling me lies Ten heartbeats, my body felt like it was on fire, my heart felt like ashes, then I felt a death like no other.