An Afterthought
To go through a deep sense of distaste for oneself can be a very dangerous thing. To sit here, lay here, breathe here forcing myself to see the light, see some positivity, may be doing more harm than good.
It's been a hell of a fall. September began with a car accident, to traveling to Korea to say my farewells to my ill grandparents, to coming back and being swamped with work, to losing control of my schedule and time to myself, to gaining some weight, to self-loathing, to now.
It has been a hard month. I can't even explain how difficult it has been because I have yet to accept such feelings, but I feel it in the aching of my bones, the extra skin on my cheeks, and the heaviness that lays on my chest. I don't feel because I don't have time to and for me, sitting and writing is my way to understand the ways of my mind and of my heart.
Today my darling friend who told me today that, with time, all will be well. I believe her, I do. She urged me to do what I know best, to write. So here I am, writing, writing to accept, writing to see some truth, writing to find some love. She told me that I have not had a moment to breathe, and that is nothing but the truth. Right now, I don't even know how to breathe. Right now I feel nothing but weight. I also know that is my depression coming in waves. I do not wish to give in, but sometimes ... sometimes... i must. I need to understand what all this is.
My constant feeling of disappointing those around me, consumes me. I have amazing friendships, I have a job, I can afford to live in the bay area, and i am healthy. I know I do good work. I am a hardworker. I aim to always please- and too much. I am consumed by the feeling that I am a huge disappointment. I thought to myself, "Where is this coming from?" Then, I looked back and realized. My past haunts me and it will forever haunt me in everything that I do. How sad. How utterly unfair and sad. But this is my lifelong demon that will forever haunt me. I can't shoo away what has already come to pass, but accept it and learn to live with it.
I feel nothing. How am I to get past this and come out on top? I know I will find a way... I just wish for once the way would find me first.
Breathe, Bori. Not all who wander are lost.
It's been a hell of a fall. September began with a car accident, to traveling to Korea to say my farewells to my ill grandparents, to coming back and being swamped with work, to losing control of my schedule and time to myself, to gaining some weight, to self-loathing, to now.
It has been a hard month. I can't even explain how difficult it has been because I have yet to accept such feelings, but I feel it in the aching of my bones, the extra skin on my cheeks, and the heaviness that lays on my chest. I don't feel because I don't have time to and for me, sitting and writing is my way to understand the ways of my mind and of my heart.
Today my darling friend who told me today that, with time, all will be well. I believe her, I do. She urged me to do what I know best, to write. So here I am, writing, writing to accept, writing to see some truth, writing to find some love. She told me that I have not had a moment to breathe, and that is nothing but the truth. Right now, I don't even know how to breathe. Right now I feel nothing but weight. I also know that is my depression coming in waves. I do not wish to give in, but sometimes ... sometimes... i must. I need to understand what all this is.
My constant feeling of disappointing those around me, consumes me. I have amazing friendships, I have a job, I can afford to live in the bay area, and i am healthy. I know I do good work. I am a hardworker. I aim to always please- and too much. I am consumed by the feeling that I am a huge disappointment. I thought to myself, "Where is this coming from?" Then, I looked back and realized. My past haunts me and it will forever haunt me in everything that I do. How sad. How utterly unfair and sad. But this is my lifelong demon that will forever haunt me. I can't shoo away what has already come to pass, but accept it and learn to live with it.
I feel nothing. How am I to get past this and come out on top? I know I will find a way... I just wish for once the way would find me first.
Breathe, Bori. Not all who wander are lost.
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