Korea 2016- written on 8/20/16

It has been over six years since I stepped foot on your soil. It has been six years since I swore to myself that I would never return to the place that had become my hell for the two and a half months I was forced to be in a place I did not want to be. I had just turned 19 years old, just finished my freshman year of college, working my first internship in a field that I had zero to no interest in. But there I was, standing on what felt like an earthquake, constantly finding my footing, finding any chance for escape, exhausted to the bare bones of my existence. I can’t explain the feeling of being perpetually destroyed by people who are your blood. Weren’t they supposed to love you? Were they not ecstatic to see me, spend over two months with their grandchild who had traveled all the way from the United States, missed me, and wanted to get to know me?

The answer to all these questions, I learned, was a very simple, “no”. They had no desire to learn the person I had become. They were only interested in the anger they had stored up from my parents. She was not interested in loving me. It was quite evident from the beginning when she told me looking at me gave her the greatest anxiety she had ever felt in her life.

I can’t believe writing this, thinking about this, six years later still overwhelms me with fear. At this moment in time, I feel nothing but fear to take this 15-hour flight to Seoul. I know that six years have changed me. I graduated college, I fell in love, I moved across the country, I fell out of love of my own accord, my little sister graduated college and moved to New York City, I got my first “big girl” job, I ran a full marathon, and I am the best version of myself that I have been in quite some time.

Then, the next big part, saying goodbye to my grandparents are my mother’s side. My grandfather who has cheated death a few times, who I know will no longer continue to do so. My grandmother, ridden with cancer, who also feels weak, bedridden, aggravated to feel so ill. I am taking this trip to say farewell to these two wonderful people in my life. It is with great pain that I was unable to be a part of their lives, we never had the chance to sit down and have conversations to get to know each other. They will never watch me walk down the aisle and get married to my best friend. But I am going to tell them how I feel about them. I know my grandfather cannot speak much, but I can just feel that he will be a good listener. I know my heart will break into multiple pieces, in a different kind of pain that I will not be able to fathom until the moment comes. The moment will come and it will be up to me to take it. I must take it.

These two weeks in Seoul will be some of the most intense weeks of my life. I will be all over the place, my heart will be all over the place, and my mind will just be in a jumble. But, I guess that’s the way I like it. I know me. I know I thrive on some sort of chaos, though I know I do not thrive on sadness.  Maybe nervous is good? Maybe I’ll be okay? Maybe I will crash and burn. I know that it will be worth it. I know that this is my only opportunity and I need to make it everything I can be. Whether saying bye to my grandparents breaks my heart, whether seeing a boy I haven’t seen in six months shakes my heart, whether being in a place that I am completely uncomfortable confuses me, I must make this my own. And that is what I completely intend to do.