Family Honor
The scent of urine, hospital sheets, and age infiltrated my nostrils as I timidly took my first steps into the hospital where my grandfather had been staying for the past few months since his previous accidents. This was the moment that I had been waiting for.
I passed my first milestone by seeing my grandmother for the first time in six years. I went up to surprise her and she looked at me and told me how I had grown up to be such a young lady as opposed to the young college student I was when I was there last. She took my hands, hers were softer than mine. I could see the veins running through the tops of her hands telling a story as she placed her hand on my cheek and told me she had something to give me. She takes out a gold ring with a cat-eye jewel and tells me to remember her by this ring and another bracelet she had saved for me.
I passed my first milestone by seeing my grandmother for the first time in six years. I went up to surprise her and she looked at me and told me how I had grown up to be such a young lady as opposed to the young college student I was when I was there last. She took my hands, hers were softer than mine. I could see the veins running through the tops of her hands telling a story as she placed her hand on my cheek and told me she had something to give me. She takes out a gold ring with a cat-eye jewel and tells me to remember her by this ring and another bracelet she had saved for me.
Knowing emotional me, I choked back my tears.. "get your shit together, Bori. Don't lose it all just yet". We had a wonderful lunch together but due to chemo and my grandmother's health she has to be very careful about what she eats.. but gluttony runs on this side of the family and I know she's been having a hard time with that. Eating great food is such a pleasure in life and to have that taken away from you has to be difficult. I held her elbow as we walked to and fro from the car to the restaurant and back again. She clutched onto my arm and I felt her warmth.. I felt her heart and I knew that moments like these would be rare or maybe I would never feel them again.
We then went to the hospital passed room upon room of 8 beds filled with men my grandfather's age who were sick. It was overwhelming to say the least. The smell was what got me at first. I don't think I can ever forget it. I felt fear come over me. I wasn't ready. I knew I wasn't ever going to be ready. but then I walked into the last room in the hallway to the right and just looked at him. He was reading in his hospital bed and I saw him look up at me with a look of confusion. I went over and took his hand and told him my name. He was confused but I told him I was the first daughter of his third daughter and the first female granddaughter of the family. He had just seen my sister so he was a bit confused but then he remembered me. The moment clicked and as soon as it did tears started streaming down my face. I knew I couldn't stop them and I chose not to. My heart was hurting and I knew for me that this was the beginning of the end. He grabbed my hands and asked me about what I was doing. Communication was short so I just watched my grandma and grandpa talk to each other as if they hadn't seen each other in years. It was such an endearing moment, watching them have so much to say to each other after all these years of marriage. Since he had to move to the hospital my grandmother has been living alone and I could sense their loneliness without each other. All those years of marriage and they had become each others person. How beautiful is that?
They are both hard of hearing so they were just continuously raising their voices at each other and this made watching them so much more beautiful and funny at times. They've figured out a way of talking to each other, even if it was in silence. We took some pictures together (I insisted) because I want something to remember them by. A picture truly speaks a thousand words and even if Iwas unable to have a deep relationship with them, at least I'll have this.
I long for the past I could have had if I had tried a little harder to get to know them. They are both pleased at the success of my sister and I being independent in our separate cities. My grandma did pressure be by asking me if I was seeing someone and if I had met a nice man to marry. I sadly told her no and that she may have to wait a little longer.. when I knew in reality she may never be able to see the man that I will eventually fall in love with. But I know my grandparents would be there every step of the way and be happy that I had finally found my person who would sit by my hospital bed and talk to be endlessly after 50+ years of marriage.
Writing this now brings tears to my eyes.. thinking of the what ifs .. the could haves if I had just came more often to Korea.. if I had lived in Korea.. I know the past is the past and all I can do now is make up for all that lost time. I know when I leave that may be it.
How does one prepare for that? For now, I have these pictures that I will keep close to my heart- the frozen moment in time when I took my grandma and grandpa's hands into mine.. felt their fingers on mine... and I felt their love spread through me. Maybe the words were uable to be spoken, but I felt it run through me.
Grandma and Grandpa, I love you.
We then went to the hospital passed room upon room of 8 beds filled with men my grandfather's age who were sick. It was overwhelming to say the least. The smell was what got me at first. I don't think I can ever forget it. I felt fear come over me. I wasn't ready. I knew I wasn't ever going to be ready. but then I walked into the last room in the hallway to the right and just looked at him. He was reading in his hospital bed and I saw him look up at me with a look of confusion. I went over and took his hand and told him my name. He was confused but I told him I was the first daughter of his third daughter and the first female granddaughter of the family. He had just seen my sister so he was a bit confused but then he remembered me. The moment clicked and as soon as it did tears started streaming down my face. I knew I couldn't stop them and I chose not to. My heart was hurting and I knew for me that this was the beginning of the end. He grabbed my hands and asked me about what I was doing. Communication was short so I just watched my grandma and grandpa talk to each other as if they hadn't seen each other in years. It was such an endearing moment, watching them have so much to say to each other after all these years of marriage. Since he had to move to the hospital my grandmother has been living alone and I could sense their loneliness without each other. All those years of marriage and they had become each others person. How beautiful is that?
They are both hard of hearing so they were just continuously raising their voices at each other and this made watching them so much more beautiful and funny at times. They've figured out a way of talking to each other, even if it was in silence. We took some pictures together (I insisted) because I want something to remember them by. A picture truly speaks a thousand words and even if Iwas unable to have a deep relationship with them, at least I'll have this.
I long for the past I could have had if I had tried a little harder to get to know them. They are both pleased at the success of my sister and I being independent in our separate cities. My grandma did pressure be by asking me if I was seeing someone and if I had met a nice man to marry. I sadly told her no and that she may have to wait a little longer.. when I knew in reality she may never be able to see the man that I will eventually fall in love with. But I know my grandparents would be there every step of the way and be happy that I had finally found my person who would sit by my hospital bed and talk to be endlessly after 50+ years of marriage.
Writing this now brings tears to my eyes.. thinking of the what ifs .. the could haves if I had just came more often to Korea.. if I had lived in Korea.. I know the past is the past and all I can do now is make up for all that lost time. I know when I leave that may be it.
How does one prepare for that? For now, I have these pictures that I will keep close to my heart- the frozen moment in time when I took my grandma and grandpa's hands into mine.. felt their fingers on mine... and I felt their love spread through me. Maybe the words were uable to be spoken, but I felt it run through me.
Grandma and Grandpa, I love you.
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