To all my future loves...
To you.. to all of you.
Thank you for looking at me, holding me in your eyes, and melting me even if it was for a moment, a week, or years.
Maybe you held me for a night. The sun, already dark with sleep. Hushed laughs and stolen kisses. Electricity lighting up my veins, the smell of you that drove me crazy.
Maybe you only held me for a couple weeks. Made me laugh, my freckles lighting up my face in the sun or maybe we never saw the sun together and chose to spend our time under the cover of darkness.
Maybe you held me for a few months- lighting up the pit of my heart to feel the warmth that I thought was never going to come back. You looked at me and saw me- but maybe only for the parts you needed. That's okay because I looked at you and used your touch to counter my loneliness.
Then... maybe you held me for years. The first few months of flirting, inside jokes, and secret annoyance. Then some days of the cold shoulder, shutting each other out, or crying in secret. Those days followed with hugs, gentleness, and words of affirmation. We knew we were human. We knew we were wrong. Most importantly, we knew we loved each other.
You saw me at my weakest moments... when my grandparents passed... when I lost my job... when I thought I was going to lose everything. You let me cry in my sleep, brushed my hair away from my face, and forced me to get outside and feel the sun against my skin. But you were my sun. You were my warmth, my light, my direction. But you always let me and pushed me to make decisions for myself. You knew how important it was for me to feel like I was being me. You encouraged me because you told me you would never change one thing about me. Though hard to do, you loved me at my weakest and celebrated me at my finest, always the first to pop open a bottle of Veuve because you knew it was my favorite.
You made sure my personal pizza would always have no cheese and made sure my pastas didn't have cheese lying around the top either. You always had an extra Diet Coke in the fridge on the late mornings I woke up hungover from the night before. You let me sleep in on days you knew I was secretly asking for it. You would talk to my sister to ask her how she's doing. In one look, you would know that something was wrong. You never needed an explanation.
You looked at me with trust in your stare, knowing the secrets of my marrow. You understood that not everything needed to be discussed, that some things were better left to oneself. You treated me like a teammate, making me accountable for my forgets and discussing your thoughts before making a big decision because you trusted my objective opinion, not as your love, but as an educated member of society.
We never could remember how we first met, but I would remember everything about you. I would remember the hints of caramel in your hair, how you would always carried around your chapstick in your pocket, how you would always seem to leave your credit card when you open a tab, how you would have a weird thing about jay-walking, how you would need to take a 15 minute walk by yourself when you need to make a decision, how your biggest pet peeve would be when I would forget to close the windows, how you would always have the fear of going bald and asking me every night if your hair seems to be thinner tonight, how you would whisper things in my ear while I was sleeping, how you would twirl me around in the kitchen. I would remember the moment we went from strangers to an attractive man to lover to boyfriend to partner.
Maybe things ended after a few years when the decisions became too tough or life would force us a thousand miles apart. But, my loves, I certainly do not miss all of you, but each of you are pieces of my learning of like and love. Some of you may come through in the comfort of night while others of you would stay the night. Some of you may use me and get only what you want for instant gratification. Some of you may try to get to know me, laugh at my jokes, buy me an extra glass of wine to get me giddy. Then some of you may get to love me and hold me. Then one of you may accept me, form me, and choose me.
Thank you for looking at me, holding me in your eyes, and melting me even if it was for a moment, a week, or years.
Maybe you held me for a night. The sun, already dark with sleep. Hushed laughs and stolen kisses. Electricity lighting up my veins, the smell of you that drove me crazy.
Maybe you only held me for a couple weeks. Made me laugh, my freckles lighting up my face in the sun or maybe we never saw the sun together and chose to spend our time under the cover of darkness.
Maybe you held me for a few months- lighting up the pit of my heart to feel the warmth that I thought was never going to come back. You looked at me and saw me- but maybe only for the parts you needed. That's okay because I looked at you and used your touch to counter my loneliness.
Then... maybe you held me for years. The first few months of flirting, inside jokes, and secret annoyance. Then some days of the cold shoulder, shutting each other out, or crying in secret. Those days followed with hugs, gentleness, and words of affirmation. We knew we were human. We knew we were wrong. Most importantly, we knew we loved each other.
You saw me at my weakest moments... when my grandparents passed... when I lost my job... when I thought I was going to lose everything. You let me cry in my sleep, brushed my hair away from my face, and forced me to get outside and feel the sun against my skin. But you were my sun. You were my warmth, my light, my direction. But you always let me and pushed me to make decisions for myself. You knew how important it was for me to feel like I was being me. You encouraged me because you told me you would never change one thing about me. Though hard to do, you loved me at my weakest and celebrated me at my finest, always the first to pop open a bottle of Veuve because you knew it was my favorite.
You made sure my personal pizza would always have no cheese and made sure my pastas didn't have cheese lying around the top either. You always had an extra Diet Coke in the fridge on the late mornings I woke up hungover from the night before. You let me sleep in on days you knew I was secretly asking for it. You would talk to my sister to ask her how she's doing. In one look, you would know that something was wrong. You never needed an explanation.
You looked at me with trust in your stare, knowing the secrets of my marrow. You understood that not everything needed to be discussed, that some things were better left to oneself. You treated me like a teammate, making me accountable for my forgets and discussing your thoughts before making a big decision because you trusted my objective opinion, not as your love, but as an educated member of society.
We never could remember how we first met, but I would remember everything about you. I would remember the hints of caramel in your hair, how you would always carried around your chapstick in your pocket, how you would always seem to leave your credit card when you open a tab, how you would have a weird thing about jay-walking, how you would need to take a 15 minute walk by yourself when you need to make a decision, how your biggest pet peeve would be when I would forget to close the windows, how you would always have the fear of going bald and asking me every night if your hair seems to be thinner tonight, how you would whisper things in my ear while I was sleeping, how you would twirl me around in the kitchen. I would remember the moment we went from strangers to an attractive man to lover to boyfriend to partner.
Maybe things ended after a few years when the decisions became too tough or life would force us a thousand miles apart. But, my loves, I certainly do not miss all of you, but each of you are pieces of my learning of like and love. Some of you may come through in the comfort of night while others of you would stay the night. Some of you may use me and get only what you want for instant gratification. Some of you may try to get to know me, laugh at my jokes, buy me an extra glass of wine to get me giddy. Then some of you may get to love me and hold me. Then one of you may accept me, form me, and choose me.
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