Querencia

The lights dimmed; you could hear the sighing of the guests. I came out of the darkness, with a glittering train that followed. I felt gorgeous. I looked perfect in that split moment of time. A tall man walked out of the darkness. His suit laid perfectly against his chest. He was older, years had torn away his youth, his age was obvious, but bold. The lights centered as I started dancing with my grandfather, our feet in cadence with the beat of the music. My train glittered as it flirted with my feet. He looked at me, oh how he looked at me. I knew I didn't have much time. "Grandpa, what do you think about life now?" I asked. "Child," he responded, "The lines on my face tell the stories of my youth, the calluses on my hands tell the story of my hard work, and the aching in my bones tell me the story of time." "Grandpa, I feel sad." I whispered. "Child, life is much too short to be sad." he whispered back as he hugged me c...

Death has been looming around me. Family. Coworker. What Next?

Last week I saw you. I saw you smile, a smile I hadn't seen in such a long time. It made me happy to see your face light up the way I was so familiar with, but it also stung, knowing it wasn't for me. So, I kept watching. I watched your hands dance on her legs, feel the bumps of her spine as your fingers whispered secrets into her back. I watched as she fell deeper into you. I watched as her eyes burned into yours like fire. Her hands moved to your face, telling secrets that no one knew, but you. I remember that smirk. I see your hands moving closer to her waist. I don't see her resisting. I see that you're happy. I see that she's happy. You look at her the way you used to look at me: hopeful. I can see you haven't felt this way in a long time, possibly since me. There I stood, unable to move. How could I move? For I am the wall that looks upon you both. Sometimes I feel you lean against me, the cool touch of your hand gently resting. How could I move? For I...

Wake up at 4AM. Feet on the starting line at 5:30AM. Mile 1: Pace. Slow down. Slow and steady. Breathe through your nose and out through your mouth. Mile 2: I think my legs are starting to hit a cadence. Mile 3: Alright almost to that 5K mark- wow I am feeling good. Mile 4: I have officially hit my groove. Mile 5: Wow, I am sweating a lot. Mile 6: Alright 10K down- I think I can do this! Mile 7: I could do this all day. Mile 8: I know this is when I hit my first wall. Push through! Mile 9: My knees kind of hurt. Mile 10: Just hit the double digits. Mile 11: Woop! Lucky number 11. Mile 12: Wow, not lucky number 12. Mile 13: Shit, I'm only halfway? Mile 14: I think my foot may be broken? Mile 15: Okay... something is definitely wrong.. Do I need to pee or is that just sweat? Mile 16: I actually don' think I can finish this. Let's just try two more miles and reassess there. Mile 17:Am I going to be broken after this race? Mile 18:Yep, definitely broken. M...

I hate patience as much as the next person, mostly because it's something I lack. For me, once things start moving they move- usually at a pace that others call hyper speed. I enjoy movement, I actually honor it and entice it. I think about time as an element of itself. How so much can change in so little of it- how sometimes time is the only thing that can save you.  In life's hardest situations everyone advises, "Good things take time." It is probably the last thing you want to hear, but the one piece of advice you will look back on and understand to the fullest. Time heals wounds. Time heals memories. Time heals loss. Time heals stabbing words. Time heals accusations. Time heals broken hearts. Time is powerful.

Of course, I want to be your second choice.  I like it when you only ask me out a few hours before you want to see me. Oh yeah, or I really like it when you only text me at 9PM assuming I'm free. I like when you hide your phone when you're with me. I like it when I only hear from you once a month and you never have the time to respond to me. I love it when you avoid the topic of commitment altogether. I like knowing that I'll never have you. I like knowing that every second that I spend with you is a second that I will never get back. I like knowing that the more I give to you, the less there is of me. I like knowing that the more kisses we exchange, the more confused I will end up. I like that every meeting we have is just another lie. I like feeling that sometimes I am living a double life. I like how I lie to myself every time I see you, expecting something to change. I like how I can't let go even though I know I should. I like how I feel stupid and hate myself ...

The world is becoming more and more of a cruel place in my mind. Well, actually the scary thing is, I think everyone is starting to realize that the world is not the place it once was. With so many civilians dying from violence to terrorist attacks to natural disasters, turning on the news is not what it once was. The cruelness of the world can be a heavy burden to wake up to, but I think the more difficult are not so astounding humans that surround me in my everyday life- the humans that I have put time and effort into, the humans that I have given love and received nothing in return, the humans I have poured my heart to who threw my heart away on the pavement, the humans that simply don't give a fuck. Society tells us, "Let lose! Who gives a fuck? Just do you!" Thanks, society. I get it and PLEASE I wish i could wake up and live out my life with that mentality. But you know fair well, the world does not function that way. I'm not here to say the world is out t...

I honestly don't know if I believe in love anymore more than believing in use and misuse.

i don't think I have the capacity to be in a relationship with someone. Here are some reasons why.. 1. liking someone makes me fucking insane. Other than the fact that I think I am driving the other person insane, i am driving myself insane. 2. I feel uncomfortable. You know the feeling when you eat like 2 pizzas all by yourself then just lard out so hard on your bed? ( wait really? you don't know this feeling?) well, that's how it makes me feel. 3. do the benefits outweigh the costs? at this point this is going to be a hell no. 4. Reasons 1-3. I know that I am not a normal person, hence, things will NOT go normally for me. I know what I like.. i know what I don't like.. though i am secretly hoping that someone comes around that will change my mind, shake me with so much love and gentleness. My friend put it in such a good way. She told me, "people always say to 'show your best self' when in reality when you're in a position like that, you'...

is this a beginning.. or simply already the end?

i breathe. i can't. i swallow. i choke. i yell. i lay silent. the world stays silent as my mind screams in my ears. running. sweating. heaving. the world stays silent as my heart lays dying. dreading. weeping. wishing. my secrets are no ones burden to bear. but mine to lay to rest. as i lay to rest.

the dearest of my dear. the most beloved. my once heart's delight. can you believe we were once happy together? I guess i don't know anything about your life now or even who you are, who you've been with, what you're wanting. who are you? are you still the same man that tucked my hair behind my ears and held my face in your hands? your fingers put shivers down my spine all the way down to my toes. I remember when we first met, that drunken night. I was flirtatious, I didn't even know what I wanted from you, besides the short attention you were willing to give me. I knew I could have you if I wanted, but time passed and these subversions turned into time together, and eventually, love. We lost from the beginning, telling each other that we would end things as soon as we graduated. we knew we lost from the beginning, and for what it's worth, I'm glad we did.

and then it hits, the knife between my eyes. god, it was such a good day. the sadness flowed through me, i know this sadness. I know his face. We meet again.

I will never forget you. I also don't wish to forget you. You are wholly a piece of me, who taught me to believe in love, believe in myself, and see myself in love for the first time. At first, I did not know the girl who stood in front of the mirror when I was only 18 years old, living away from home for the first time. She was unfamiliar, happy, filled to the brim, who was that? I loved you like I have never loved any other, even to this day. I loved you recklessly, beautifully. I was a naive girl, but so passionate and so in love. Sometimes I see you and it takes me back. My memories with you are so vivid to where I reach out my hand and I feel as if you'll reach back out. I have always known that i would love you for the rest of my life because I loved you in a way that I would never love anyone else. That brings me fear. It brings me the fear that you will be the fullest my heart will ever feel. Then again, I guess I haven't experience the love that's supposed ...