It's What I Want, I Promise.

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Of course, I want to be your second choice.  I like it when you only ask me out a few hours before you want to see me. Oh yeah, or I really like it when you only text me at 9PM assuming I'm free. I like when you hide your phone when you're with me. I like it when I only hear from you once a month and you never have the time to respond to me. I love it when you avoid the topic of commitment altogether.

I like knowing that I'll never have you. I like knowing that every second that I spend with you is a second that I will never get back. I like knowing that the more I give to you, the less there is of me. I like knowing that the more kisses we exchange, the more confused I will end up. I like that every meeting we have is just another lie. I like feeling that sometimes I am living a double life. I like how I lie to myself every time I see you, expecting something to change.

I like how I can't let go even though I know I should. I like how I feel stupid and hate myself more than the last time. I like how I sometimes have to lie to my best friend because I am embarrassed to tell her that "I fell for it again". I like how I sometimes blame alcohol for my bad decisions.

I like knowing that I am not a thought out plan. I like knowing that you only miss me in your darkest moments at the cost of my brightest moments. I like that you refuse to know deeper things about me because, why should you? I like it when you hold my hand for a split moment, knowing that it's so easy for you to let go.

I like when you say the things you know I want to hear, already screwing with my mind. I like when you enter into my life at plotted moments unbeknownst to me. I like when I wake up next to you in the morning and you already said goodbye.

I like telling my friends that they should never settle for someone who treats them with disrespect as I live out my life in that way. I like feeling the inner fight when I have to keep telling myself that it's fine the way it is. I like forcing myself to not fall for you, when all I want is for you to tell me you love me. I like how it makes my life harder than easier.

You know what I like even more?

I like that I'll drop the very thing I am doing just to try to see you.. even if it's past 9PM, even if I would be losing 3 hours of sleep, even though it is extremely inconvenient for me, and even though I already know that I am your second choice.

I like how even after this, I'll do it all over again.

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