The Viking
For one of the first time in my life, I am unable to write about how I feel. It's a mixture of gratefulness but SO much pain. It's the pain that I am having the hardest time describing or actually letting myself feel.
The emotions around my parents have been beyond confusing. I almost wish it was one emotion I felt towards them all the time: pain. Then my healing would be directed in one energy. My healing process has been like that ride I used to ride as a child. I would be sitting in the back row of this Viking Ship and it would sway back and forth, almost like it would touch the sky, and I would feel the force lifting my lungs until I felt almost out of breath. Then, my heart rate would settle, but the anxiety with mount because I knew I would be right back up there in a matter of seconds.
I think this mainly comes from the fact that my parents are also healing in their own way, which is a bit hard for me to understand as I have been healing since the age of 6 when I felt my world, my life, my family betrayed me. Everyone deserves their own healing, but what is the line that I draw when I specifically need mine and their involvement makes it more difficult? The most difficult thing of all is the fact that their feelings are always something that I consider. And, me, being who I am, will always put you first, in the way, NOW, you put me first.
For the first 18 years of my life, you put me first in the strangest way, a punishing way. So when you extend words of affirmation-- they make me weak. They make my heart weak. They make my bones brittle. They make my words mute. They make my heart stop. Mostly, I feel my heart shattering in a million pieces- and though this feeling isn't meant to be physically, I can feel my heart shattering like a wine glass hitting the floor, a mess that I have to clean up.
Will the breaking end? Will my healing adapt? Am I supposed to adapt or is this the space that I need to demand? But, everyone deserves to heal.
Why is it that when you extend love, I feel more hurt? How is that even fair? Can I make it fair? Or is this just ..... it?
The emotions around my parents have been beyond confusing. I almost wish it was one emotion I felt towards them all the time: pain. Then my healing would be directed in one energy. My healing process has been like that ride I used to ride as a child. I would be sitting in the back row of this Viking Ship and it would sway back and forth, almost like it would touch the sky, and I would feel the force lifting my lungs until I felt almost out of breath. Then, my heart rate would settle, but the anxiety with mount because I knew I would be right back up there in a matter of seconds.
I think this mainly comes from the fact that my parents are also healing in their own way, which is a bit hard for me to understand as I have been healing since the age of 6 when I felt my world, my life, my family betrayed me. Everyone deserves their own healing, but what is the line that I draw when I specifically need mine and their involvement makes it more difficult? The most difficult thing of all is the fact that their feelings are always something that I consider. And, me, being who I am, will always put you first, in the way, NOW, you put me first.
For the first 18 years of my life, you put me first in the strangest way, a punishing way. So when you extend words of affirmation-- they make me weak. They make my heart weak. They make my bones brittle. They make my words mute. They make my heart stop. Mostly, I feel my heart shattering in a million pieces- and though this feeling isn't meant to be physically, I can feel my heart shattering like a wine glass hitting the floor, a mess that I have to clean up.
Will the breaking end? Will my healing adapt? Am I supposed to adapt or is this the space that I need to demand? But, everyone deserves to heal.
Why is it that when you extend love, I feel more hurt? How is that even fair? Can I make it fair? Or is this just ..... it?
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