Anxiety.

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I have learned so much about attachment styles in the past few weeks. Mostly, from reading "Attached". Learning about my anxiety-attachment style and realizing why I react to specific stressors and my protest behaviors, has been such an enlightening and honest lesson these past few days, especially as I am consistently dating the same person.

What this voice tells me is as follows:

  • he's never going to respond
  • it's over
  • why would he be interested
  • what makes you so special
  • he's going to ghost you
  • why do you think he would choose you over someone else
  • he's probably dating so many people and I am just out of convenience
Thus my protest behaviors are as follows:
  • over-texting
  • using specific sequence of words to illicit a response
  • an overabundance of anxiety that causes me to go manic
  • reading and re-reading the text conversation over and over again and assuming worst case scenario
Though the reasons I react the way I do and feel the way I do are a beautiful part of who I am, I am consistently challenging myself to fight against my protest behaviors. My best friend, Katie, gave me a beautiful analogy and mantra to tell myself..."you are a visitor. thank you for visiting". 

My anxiety today is unparalleled beyond anything I've felt in quite some time. It mostly had to do with many other things all happening at once that seemed to all come down at once. No fun, eh? But what I have learned is that honest communication is key. But saying the words to someone else and expressing yourself can be very scary. This is something I am practicing in bits. Allowing myself the patience to be kind to myself... and that even if I am not as forthcoming as I'd like to be, I know and have to believe that people choose to stay... and decide to leave for a reason.. and that I, myself, have the power and the choice to leave a situation if it proves unhealthy to my well-being. This is the part that I mostly forget. It is my choice. 

So today has been a lot of "you are a visitor. thank you for visiting" and allowing these thoughts to walk back down the hill because they do not belong. What does belong is me.. my heart. my feelings.. 

So even if I am left on read for 3 days... not responded to in a way that I feel validated- these are things that I myself must express explicitly. This is my responsibility. I have the responsibility to use my words because no one can read my mind... and I should never expect someone to know what I need or how I am feeling without me letting them know.

These are things of personal growth that I am working so very hard on. With my family, my friends, and with this partner or any other partners that may come. Secure attachment style is a possibility for me... and I promise to work at it in all ways I possibly can. I am sure there will be bumps and bruises along the way--- times I will find it to be ridiculous and times I will act on my anxiety attachment style. But forgiveness and gentle love are a large part of this- and that is something I deserve to extend to myself.

xx, B







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