Waltzing with my Grandmother
I saw her walk into the center of the floor, the light glistening on the tasteful shatters of light off her dress, creating rainbows and prisms as she walked closer to me. I looked up at the sky, wondering if the stars would take a picture of us, in this moment, in this night.
I heard her voice and stepped closer to her, as my heels clacked on the floor. She smiled and held out her hand. The veiny, weak hands that I once remembered were strong, beautiful, and polished. Her fingers gripped around my hand and she asked for my other hand. I put my hand on top of hers and we began to move around, clacking in sync, in circles.
Her eyes lit up the room while everyone was watched, their pupils following the shatters of light off her dress. She was the star on the stage, and I was so gracious to be by her side.
"My dear, Bori. I have chosen my last dance to be with you. You bring out a light in me that I hope to carry with me after life."
"Grandma, must you go? I feel like we've only just begun".
"That is not of my doing. Remember when you came to visit me back in 2016? The leaves were falling off the trees, the air was crisp, and I held you in my hands as I am doing now. My child, I know that distance has been our greatest downfall and all my life I wish it wasn't so."
She twirled me, making me chuckle mid-spin. She knew how this dance was supposed to go. I knew she knew how this would end. She told me of her pain, the years of taking the bus 3 times a week to the hospital to get dialysis, the years of pain, restless nights, the years she couldn't spend with her husband who was at a hospital far away.
When I saw my Grandmother in the fall of 2016, I watched her laugh. I watched her visit her husband in the hospital, bringing him snacks just like he had asked. I watched her hold his hand never knowing when she would have to let go. Now, it has come to the moment where he has to let hers go first.
Grandma, if I can say one last thing, before the last twirl, before the music ends.
Thank you. Thank you for being the vibrant, charismatic, stubborn woman that you have always been. Thank you for loving me from far away, for always being so proud of me even when I felt like my life was falling apart. Thank you for always encouraging me to become the woman that I am now. you have always admired my strong sense of self, but really grandma, I have learned all these things from you. My grandma that escaped North Korea, worked for an American company and had so many wonderful, beautiful children. We are here now in your last moments, grandma. Though I am not able to be there physically, mom is leaving on Sunday to see you so I hope you can hold on until she can see you. I hope you can hear what she has to say because she has so much to say so please hold on for her.
I'll be there for her through it all, I hope you know that. I know that I can be strong for the both of us. But it's hard grandma. I'm glad I have this beautiful vision of you in my mind of eating yummy Korean food and letting you have a bit of beer just to cheers. I know I asked you to be healthy and to live longer, but I guess I can't ask that anymore can I? I know that you may want to let go and I want to honor and respect that as well. I know you've been hurting. I know mom's ready.
I hope you just know how much I love you, grandma. I love you so much that my heart could burst. I hope you can feel that right now as you're lying in the hospital. I know you can't talk, but I know you can hear.
I will honor your life for the rest of mine. All the photos I have of us, old and new, will forever be engraved in my mind and in my heart. I promise to carry you with me everyday for the rest of my life. I will tell my future husband, my future children of how extraordinary of a woman you were. How you pushed boundaries... how you loved... how your temper sometimes got the best of you. But what I will remember most is your laugh when you were happy, your guttural, open mouth laugh.
I'll keep that with me forever, grandma. I'll never forget you. Even though you're not going to be here on Earth, your place in my chapel will be there for you forever. I'll keep it warm for you, okay?
I'll see you soon, grandma- in your most beautiful form where you are no longer in pain and just laughing away. I hope you look down on me from time to time, maybe push me in the right direction, or hint me to run if I have to. I love you and I can't wait for the day I'll see you again. Find peace, grandma and know that you are surrounded by nothing but love.
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
-e.e. cummings
I heard her voice and stepped closer to her, as my heels clacked on the floor. She smiled and held out her hand. The veiny, weak hands that I once remembered were strong, beautiful, and polished. Her fingers gripped around my hand and she asked for my other hand. I put my hand on top of hers and we began to move around, clacking in sync, in circles.
Her eyes lit up the room while everyone was watched, their pupils following the shatters of light off her dress. She was the star on the stage, and I was so gracious to be by her side.
"My dear, Bori. I have chosen my last dance to be with you. You bring out a light in me that I hope to carry with me after life."
"Grandma, must you go? I feel like we've only just begun".
"That is not of my doing. Remember when you came to visit me back in 2016? The leaves were falling off the trees, the air was crisp, and I held you in my hands as I am doing now. My child, I know that distance has been our greatest downfall and all my life I wish it wasn't so."
She twirled me, making me chuckle mid-spin. She knew how this dance was supposed to go. I knew she knew how this would end. She told me of her pain, the years of taking the bus 3 times a week to the hospital to get dialysis, the years of pain, restless nights, the years she couldn't spend with her husband who was at a hospital far away.
When I saw my Grandmother in the fall of 2016, I watched her laugh. I watched her visit her husband in the hospital, bringing him snacks just like he had asked. I watched her hold his hand never knowing when she would have to let go. Now, it has come to the moment where he has to let hers go first.
Grandma, if I can say one last thing, before the last twirl, before the music ends.
Thank you. Thank you for being the vibrant, charismatic, stubborn woman that you have always been. Thank you for loving me from far away, for always being so proud of me even when I felt like my life was falling apart. Thank you for always encouraging me to become the woman that I am now. you have always admired my strong sense of self, but really grandma, I have learned all these things from you. My grandma that escaped North Korea, worked for an American company and had so many wonderful, beautiful children. We are here now in your last moments, grandma. Though I am not able to be there physically, mom is leaving on Sunday to see you so I hope you can hold on until she can see you. I hope you can hear what she has to say because she has so much to say so please hold on for her.
I'll be there for her through it all, I hope you know that. I know that I can be strong for the both of us. But it's hard grandma. I'm glad I have this beautiful vision of you in my mind of eating yummy Korean food and letting you have a bit of beer just to cheers. I know I asked you to be healthy and to live longer, but I guess I can't ask that anymore can I? I know that you may want to let go and I want to honor and respect that as well. I know you've been hurting. I know mom's ready.
I hope you just know how much I love you, grandma. I love you so much that my heart could burst. I hope you can feel that right now as you're lying in the hospital. I know you can't talk, but I know you can hear.
I will honor your life for the rest of mine. All the photos I have of us, old and new, will forever be engraved in my mind and in my heart. I promise to carry you with me everyday for the rest of my life. I will tell my future husband, my future children of how extraordinary of a woman you were. How you pushed boundaries... how you loved... how your temper sometimes got the best of you. But what I will remember most is your laugh when you were happy, your guttural, open mouth laugh.
I'll keep that with me forever, grandma. I'll never forget you. Even though you're not going to be here on Earth, your place in my chapel will be there for you forever. I'll keep it warm for you, okay?
I'll see you soon, grandma- in your most beautiful form where you are no longer in pain and just laughing away. I hope you look down on me from time to time, maybe push me in the right direction, or hint me to run if I have to. I love you and I can't wait for the day I'll see you again. Find peace, grandma and know that you are surrounded by nothing but love.
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
-e.e. cummings
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