Querencia

Wake up at 4AM. Feet on the starting line at 5:30AM. Mile 1: Pace. Slow down. Slow and steady. Breathe through your nose and out through your mouth. Mile 2: I think my legs are starting to hit a cadence. Mile 3: Alright almost to that 5K mark- wow I am feeling good. Mile 4: I have officially hit my groove. Mile 5: Wow, I am sweating a lot. Mile 6: Alright 10K down- I think I can do this! Mile 7: I could do this all day. Mile 8: I know this is when I hit my first wall. Push through! Mile 9: My knees kind of hurt. Mile 10: Just hit the double digits. Mile 11: Woop! Lucky number 11. Mile 12: Wow, not lucky number 12. Mile 13: Shit, I'm only halfway? Mile 14: I think my foot may be broken? Mile 15: Okay... something is definitely wrong.. Do I need to pee or is that just sweat? Mile 16: I actually don' think I can finish this. Let's just try two more miles and reassess there. Mile 17:Am I going to be broken after this race? Mile 18:Yep, definitely broken. M...

I hate patience as much as the next person, mostly because it's something I lack. For me, once things start moving they move- usually at a pace that others call hyper speed. I enjoy movement, I actually honor it and entice it. I think about time as an element of itself. How so much can change in so little of it- how sometimes time is the only thing that can save you.  In life's hardest situations everyone advises, "Good things take time." It is probably the last thing you want to hear, but the one piece of advice you will look back on and understand to the fullest. Time heals wounds. Time heals memories. Time heals loss. Time heals stabbing words. Time heals accusations. Time heals broken hearts. Time is powerful.

Of course, I want to be your second choice.  I like it when you only ask me out a few hours before you want to see me. Oh yeah, or I really like it when you only text me at 9PM assuming I'm free. I like when you hide your phone when you're with me. I like it when I only hear from you once a month and you never have the time to respond to me. I love it when you avoid the topic of commitment altogether. I like knowing that I'll never have you. I like knowing that every second that I spend with you is a second that I will never get back. I like knowing that the more I give to you, the less there is of me. I like knowing that the more kisses we exchange, the more confused I will end up. I like that every meeting we have is just another lie. I like feeling that sometimes I am living a double life. I like how I lie to myself every time I see you, expecting something to change. I like how I can't let go even though I know I should. I like how I feel stupid and hate myself ...