Querencia

i breathe. i can't. i swallow. i choke. i yell. i lay silent. the world stays silent as my mind screams in my ears. running. sweating. heaving. the world stays silent as my heart lays dying. dreading. weeping. wishing. my secrets are no ones burden to bear. but mine to lay to rest. as i lay to rest.

the dearest of my dear. the most beloved. my once heart's delight. can you believe we were once happy together? I guess i don't know anything about your life now or even who you are, who you've been with, what you're wanting. who are you? are you still the same man that tucked my hair behind my ears and held my face in your hands? your fingers put shivers down my spine all the way down to my toes. I remember when we first met, that drunken night. I was flirtatious, I didn't even know what I wanted from you, besides the short attention you were willing to give me. I knew I could have you if I wanted, but time passed and these subversions turned into time together, and eventually, love. We lost from the beginning, telling each other that we would end things as soon as we graduated. we knew we lost from the beginning, and for what it's worth, I'm glad we did.

and then it hits, the knife between my eyes. god, it was such a good day. the sadness flowed through me, i know this sadness. I know his face. We meet again.

I will never forget you. I also don't wish to forget you. You are wholly a piece of me, who taught me to believe in love, believe in myself, and see myself in love for the first time. At first, I did not know the girl who stood in front of the mirror when I was only 18 years old, living away from home for the first time. She was unfamiliar, happy, filled to the brim, who was that? I loved you like I have never loved any other, even to this day. I loved you recklessly, beautifully. I was a naive girl, but so passionate and so in love. Sometimes I see you and it takes me back. My memories with you are so vivid to where I reach out my hand and I feel as if you'll reach back out. I have always known that i would love you for the rest of my life because I loved you in a way that I would never love anyone else. That brings me fear. It brings me the fear that you will be the fullest my heart will ever feel. Then again, I guess I haven't experience the love that's supposed ...